Funny Tweets About Office Party Fails! Tabs, Fri., Dec. 3, 2021



Miss me fuckers? Shut up yes you did well guess what, I WAS ACTUALLY HERE THE WHOLE TIME, I just wasn't doing tabs at ya because I was supposed to be off for "shareholders meeting" (it's required by Montana state law!), but then we got home too late from Oklahoma/Santa Fe/Denver/Jackson to go anywhere else so I decided to come to work anyway and I STILL haven't finished your merches, I'm eight months behind on written thank you notes for when you send me money in the US mail, and I haven't gone through my pretty basket of "pay your medical bills and also probably the garbage" for two months now, which I still didn't do either.

But I got you some tabs!


Trump hearing this morning on why he was acting in his presidential capacity when he called E Jean Carroll a too-ugly-to-rape liar. (E Jean)

Liz already wrote us up this Jeffrey Clark 1/6 Committee deposition, but did you know that some of you don't even read every single post??? Anyway, it's real and it's spectacular. (House.gov / dude's hilarious letter)

Guess who just got their booster shots, surprise it is me and Shy presumably since I am writing this before we drive to our 7 p.m. appointments 70 miles away! Here's a well-told story of an athlete who fought and fought with his nice family and did not get his shots, and he died. — The Guardian

Judd Legum is in the inflation video splainer business now.

www.youtube.com


Companies need to rein in their profits and start to make up for the erosion of worker pay says ... Morgan Stanley??? Morgan Stanley!!! — Business Insider

The children who were murdered at school in Michigan this week. They seem like really nice kids. (Freep)

I don't know, if my daughter were being arraigned for MURDERING HER CLASSMATES WITH THE GUN I BOUGHT HER, I'd probably take my ball cap off. I'm a cuck who shows respect to the court and also fellow humans like that.


These people fucking infuriate me. DON'T GIVE YOUR KID A FUCKING GUN. (Daily Beast)

This woman in her American flag heart T-shirt is in jail just because she pointed a gun at another woman and her baby for parking in what she perceived to be her H-E-B parking spot? Surely that's not illegal in Texas! — My San Antonio / Reddit

The Mystery Of Was Alec Baldwin's Finger Even In The Trigger ... Lock? And Can Guns Do That By Themselves Maybe It Was A Ghost. (ABC News)

Teacher brings loaded gun on campus. Teacher says it's okay because he's a reserve officer. Teacher is detained, yelled at, sues school for being mean to his conservative political beliefs and giving him sads. Teacher gets ass handed to him by mean judge. Fuck teacher.

The case was predicated on Nguyen’s claims that he was detained unlawfully and “berated” by school officials because of his conservative, political beliefs. He was placed on administrative leave. A group of parents and residents supported the science teacher at a rally in May 2019.

Fuck that group of parents too. — Orange County Register

Archaeologists who are good at their jobs. — NPR

This is a real pretty sink. (Sink)

And then the Love & Murders began.Liquor

I stopped eating octopus a while ago, which is sad because they are Delicious. Anyway, UK rules they're "sentient." (Futurism)

Our friends at Penzeys want to give you a hug. (This is not a paid promotion, I just love them and they love us.)

This is not a paid promotion either, except that if you order wine through this link, I get free wine, so that is like a paid promotion, via wine. — Naked Wines

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

Don't forget to keep Wonkette going forever. Do you want to help me bonus the writers? You can do that too. Also remember to Wonkette the Bazaar, which will be closing for some months right after Christmas. We love you.

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You Bought Nothing Yesterday. Now It’s Time To WONKETTE BAZAAR!



You have a loved one who LURVES YOUR WONKETTE. Buy them some shit straight from our basement! Nota bene: We are shutting down our basement factory right after Christmas, so if you wanted some presents from us anytime in the first half of the year, please to buy it ahead of time, hide it in your garage, and then forget not only where you hid it, but also what you bought. Now you are a Schoenkopf, you lucky bastard you.


FACE MASKS.

There's a new Nu in town. Time to get more face masks. They come with a filter, they fit well, they do NOT have adjustable ear loops; when we replenished our supply of blank masks on Etsy, they're the kind you see in the Biden Harris New Dawn masks, like so.


Biden Harris New Dawn.

Kamala: I'm Speaking.

Ruth Ginsberg: I Dissent.

All Votes Matter.

Now you are protected.

COFFEE CUPS!

We have all the coffee cups in the world, you should click through to see them! $19.99 includes free US shipping, or you can get two for $35, because we love you and want to sell some cups. (The five bucks will come off automatically in your cart.)


Aren't those nice! Don't you want them all!

SHOT GLASSES!

Why don't we get drunk and ...

tee hee just kidding OR AM I? The girls are sleeping in our Shawnee, Oklahoma, Holiday Inn Express (it's terrible), and Shy's gone back to my mom's to pick up the laundry we gifted her and forgot to snatch back, and I am feeling a little punchy maybe.





Oh I love those shot glasses! They're $14.99 and include US shipping, or they're $27 for a Joe/Kamala superduo!

HATS!

Hats are on super-sale, $23 for all three caps. The red impeach hats make you look like a MAGA and people will think you want to PEACH JOE BIDEN. You could give it to your brother in law if you want.

STICKERS!

This is where all the sticker are.


APRONS!

Make like Kamala and be a HOT CHEF COMIN' THROUGH! (Have people pretend to be furious that when you were in Paris, you bought a pan.) There are lots of options here that you can't find in the main store I think, unless you search "aprons."


T-SHIRTS AND LONG-SLEEVE SHIRTS AND ALSO TANKS IT LOOKS LIKE!

It's so poorly organized and I've been putting off fixing it for so long, maybe I will do that sometime in the first half of the year, but it's like, what do you want me to do, edit posts or fix the bazaar? Write thank you notes for keeping us going forever, or fix the bazaar? Roast a nice chicken and clean my house and maybe go to a garage sale, or fix the bazaar? I KNOW RIGHT???

So you can buy long-sleeve men's or women's white shirts with Kamala or Joe or RBG or Liz Warren or Barack or your cast of thousands. Or you can buy black or white tanks (women's only) with any of the above. Or you can buy men's or women's black or white T-shirts with all of the above, plus some others. I don't know, look around at that link. Also there are panties.



TOTE BAGS!

There are tote bags.


ONESIES!

Did you have a baby? Well put some clothes on that thing!


GAMES!

Please, I am begging you, get these games out of my house. First thing you do, and I am serious, is open it up and throw away the Trump card. We made him too powerful and too impervious to any kind of normal anything, I guess because we are psychic and understand everything about human psychology except why they are like that. You do not want him ruining your game (or your nation).

Now you have done all your holiday shopping. Thank you. We love you. If you're STILL going to Amazon after all that, use this link.

There are no other posts today, OPEN THREAD IT.

[Wonkette Bazaar]

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This Real Recipe From Rush Limbaugh Has Jello, Stuffed Olives, And Miracle Whip In It



OK, sure, we made fun of Rush Limbaugh for putting saccharine in his hot cocoa recipe and frying a chicken in Crisco. But were we being fair? Not really. We finally saw The Help last night [four or seven or nine years ago, whenever] and according to Minnie, not only will Crisco soften your elbows but it is the Platonic Ideal for frying chicken. That thing was like a 2 hour and 30 minute Crisco commercial, with racism! We will buy a jar immediately! BUT. Did you happen to notice that thing above? It is a recipe from Rush's mom, as also discovered by the Crap Archivist, in "Recipes from Old Cape Girardieu."


That, Wonkados, is what a young Rush Limbaugh ate for a treat: jello with pineapple and stuffed olives. AND MIRACLE WHIP ON TOP. Not Cool Whip -- that lovely fake whipped cream in a tub -- but Miracle Whip, the mayonnaise blended with salad dressing.

Now we will transcribe that screenshot for the viewing-impaired!

Dissolve one box lime jello in 3/4 cups hot water; add 3/4 cups ice water to cool mixture. To this add one small can crushed pineapple and one small jar of sliced stuffed olives. Let jell. Dissolve a second package of lime jello in one and one half cups of water. When cool, add one small package of Philadelphia cheese cut into bits; one half cup of Miracle Whip, and when it has started to jell, one half cup of pecans. Pour second layer over the first and let set. — Mrs. Rush H. Limbaugh Sr.

And now we know who is to blame for Rush Limbaugh turning out that way.

[VillageVoice]

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Stupid White Murderers Who Murdered Ahmaud Arbery Almost All Guilty On Almost All Counts!



We interrupt some dumb Thanksgiving recipe posts to bring you some welcome, excellent news: The three white men who chased down Ahmaud Arbery in Georgia and murdered him for the crime of jogging have been found guilty on almost all counts. The piece of shit son was guilty on all; the piece of shit father was guilty of all except "malice murder," as he was not the one standing over Arbery shouting the n-word; and the third guy was guilty of a significant number of murder charges, although he was clearly less culpable than Bigot and Son. Still, he helped, and he's guilty.


While their defense attorneys tried to call their trial a "modern-day lynching," an almost-all-white jury refused to have their intelligence insulted, or insult ours. Seems to me like it might be a New Georgia these days.

There was absolutely no question of "self defense," though they tried to play that too: Chasing him down in a truck as he jogged, holding him at gunpoint, they tried to claim that Arbery defending himself by grabbing at their long gun was reason to defend themselves from him defending himself. It worked for Kyle Rittenhouse, sure, but ... fuck it. It didn't work this time, is what we are saying.

This has been a day when criminal justice has gone some way toward criminal justice.

We return you to your regularly scheduled pie, a little more thankful.

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(PSSST *Grandma* Wonkette’s Pineapple Orange Cranberry Sauce Is Better, Actually)



For years now — seven at least, suckers — we have been making Aunt Wonkette's Real Cranberry Business. It's great! (Needs more sugar. Not Oprah-level four damn cups, but one would be nice.) But last year, we did not do that. We wanted pineapple, which we almost always have on hand ever since your comrade Vegan & Peeara or whatever she is named these days told us while we visited her in Charleston that pineapples are symbols of hospitality.

So fuck it, we did it live!


First: Do whatever Ken says. Buy two pounds of fresh cranberries! Wash your hands, smoke a joint, pet the dog, wash your hands again, rinse the cranberries and look for pirate teeth. If you make this the night before (or even two or three nights!) you will not have to fight for oven space, but you could do that too on the day, it's fine! Preheat oven to 375, 400, it's all cool. #cookingwithrebecca #dowhatever!


Cut your (fresh; always fresh) pineapple. If you have a pineapple slicer, they are so fun and I buy them for everyone, but you do not NEED a pineapple slicer. But it helps because you want small chunks not big "rustic" ones like I do with everything I am ever chopping because #lazy.


After you've got your slices, you can just fist that pineapple, just scrape all up and down in there, get all the good stuff.


Like Ken said, grate some orange peel onto the cranberries and then squeeze the juice onto it.


Glug glug with the bourbon, or use rum! Like the lady in the grocery store said when I saw her fresh cranberries and told her about my pineapple discovery and real quick how to do it with the pineapples and the orange zest and the liquor, WHY NOT BOTH? It's a LONG ISLAND CRANBERRY SAUCE! (I did not use both. That would probably be gross. Do not #dowhatever)


Cup o' sugar! Don't listen to Ken, a half cup is preposterous.


Pretty! I put the smallest sprinkle of pumpkin spice across the top and then mixed it all up with a touch more orange juice because that sounded fun. We will see! Cinnamon? Cloves? Vanilla? Nutmeg and ginger? Fuck it! #dowhatever


Check it after a while, 15 or 20 minutes. Cranberries aren't burst? It's not done yet! That above? That's done. And fucking delicious.


Happy Thanksgiving, loves. See you on the flip!

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This Is Legal Now.



Kyle Rittenhouse, who killed two men and maimed another when he was scared they would kill him just because he was shooting them, has been acquitted by a Wisconsin jury on all charges.

It does too make perfect sense!

We have come to an era in our country, ushered in by the NRA, in which fear for your life is grounds to kill someone who is trying to defend themselves from you threatening their life. Two national trials explored that this week; Ahmaud Arbery's killers in Georgia are insisting they did it in self defense (while standing over his body yelling the n-word) because he grabbed at the gun they were pointing at him.


And the Supreme Court is presumably about to make it even worse, when it rules that any state regulation on who can carry lethal weapons, when, and how, are unconstitutional.

Even Antonin Scalia, God rot his soul, when he found for the first time in Heller that there was a constitutional right to personal arms, insisted that states could still regulate them.

Everyone knew in their bones Rittenhouse would be acquitted, after he crossed state lines with a semiautomatic weapon it was illegal for him to carry, and then shot the people who were trying to disarm him after he shot someone who threw a plastic bag at him.

Everyone knew it, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. The Right has a new hero, one whose thirst to shoot people the jury was not allowed to see because it was prejudicial, one whose cold-cocking of a girl, just weeks before, the jury was not allowed to see because it was prejudicial, one whose new bosom friends the Proud Boys and gun maniacs are thirsting to shoot some leftists themselves.

And it's open season.

We all knew it, but here's a funny ("funny") tidbit from the article below the verdict in the Washington Post's stream:

A man who caused a ruckus Wednesday when he showed up outside the Rittenhouse trial armed with a rifle and chanting against the Black Lives Matter movement is a former police officer in Ferguson, Missouri.

The man, identified as Jesse T. Kline, had been dismissed from the force several years ago, Ferguson Police Chief Frank McCall Jr. confirmed to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Thursday. Kline later confirmed his identity to the Washington Post.

In recent days, reporters outside the Kenosha County Courthouse have reported seeing Kline acting bizarre as he mingled with the onlookers who awaited the Rittenhouse verdict. Then on Wednesday, Kline showed up to the courthouse with a long gun, prompting law enforcement officials to check his identification before requesting that he disarm himself.

He was fired — from the Ferguson PD! — after he "allegedly stalked a woman, who he had been in a romantic relationship with, to another man's home. Kline then allegedly threatened the man by poking his chest with the barrel of his gun, according to KSDK." The charges were dropped when his ex and her boyfriend refused to testify.

That man, with that record, can only be "requested to disarm himself" outside a public courthouse. That's who's carrying rifles around, to make a point about "self defense," we guess.

Stay safe. We love you.

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Seniors: Unsold Cruise Cabins Are Almost Being Given Away! Tabs, Fri., Nov. 19, 2021



More people dying of COVID in 2021 than in 2020, thanks to the anti-anti-anti-vax GOP. (Lawyers Guns & Money)

Detailed proposals for getting our most underserved 5- to 11-year-olds protected, from the Vaccine Equity Cooperative. The White House is doing a lot of it, just with more preamble.

But that's un-American.

Claiming self-defense because you got scared when someone wouldn't let you shoot them. It makes all the sense in the world, which is broken. The trial of Ahmaud Arbery's killers. (Washington Post)

Kevin McCarthy's Day One To-Do List as Your Next House Speaker: Give Marjorie Taylor Greene and Paul Gosar their committee seats back. — Talking Points Memo

British Columbia isn't just cut off from the rest of Canada via rail or highway since the post-fire floods came; everything else is underwater too, that wasn't burned already. THIS IS QUITE WORRISOME! (National Post)

Commenters point out: Crystal Mason, the Black woman sentenced to five years in prison for casting a (provisional) ballot when she didn't know she couldn't vote on supervised release, was racially harassed for years by neighbors. Then a neighbor threw her into the VOTE FRAUD!!!1! machine. — October Dallas Observer


New Gawker has thoughts on apparently shitty new Jezebel management, sure, but this is so great:

Staffers recalled how Goldman offered a diagnosis for the site's shortcomings in a meeting shortly after she joined the company. Jezebel used to be about feminism, one source paraphrased her as saying, but like, what is feminism? Do people need it anymore? Is it even good? What if feminism is bad? Part of their problem, she had intimated, stemmed from not really knowing what feminism was. "It kind of became a joke between us," they said, "like, 'Hey, guys, what is feminism? Is it bad?'"

Seems like an honest question???? JKJKJKJK!!!!! — Gawker

I take issue with this review of Oliver Stone's new JFK assassination documentary, because the review claims that his first JFK movie was "great" or "magnificent" or something, I already forget, and I showed that movie to my UC Irvine "conspiracy theories" class back in the 2000s and had to turn it off halfway through and apologize for the terribleness of it that I had not remembered. (Slashfilm)

Also if it doesn't have Woody Harrelson's dad in it (and maybe it does!), it is not worth JFK conspiracy theory assassination SHIT. (No, I don't care if it's been "DEBUNKED.")

Also more, I interviewed Vincent Bugliosi once, after he'd written a book about making a murder case against George W. Bush for the invasion of Iraq, and when I asked him about his other book's verdict that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, he howled with laughter, patted me on the shoulder, offered to "may I ... may I tell you about that?" the Gulf of Tonkin, and ever so much more. It was a wonderful interview! He called me screaming afterwards, saying I had defamed with "arrogant bastard." — LA Citybeat archive, scroll to page 8

Wait what now? Two men framed for assassinating Malcolm X were exonerated, after New York DA Cy Vance found that evidence of their innocence had been withheld, and every last sumbitch who testified was an FBI informant? Well that's a lot! (CNN)

Oklahoma gov actually commuted Julius Jones's death sentence, if you can even believe that. — NBC News

This agriculture reporter, Sarah Mock — interviewed here about ag policy, land wealth, and how the "small family farm" is a cherished myth — seems to have a lot of the same takes on ag today as our own Dr. Sarah Taber, who hasn't written for us lately because "book." I asked Taber if they were the same person, and she says no. I have never seen them both in the same room at the same time because I have never seen either of them. (Civil Eats)

Well the ho-mo-sekshulls finally did it with their slippery slopes. Now trucks are getting human ladies pregnant. And you won't believe the family portraits! — Mel Magazine

My mom's dogs have been killing and eating these alligatory things that live in her Oklahoma pond. (Caiman)

Martini Ambassador is on Thanksgiving vacation, which means more illos of shit from the Bazaar. Don't forget to hit the Wonkette Bazaar before the New Year, when we'll be shutting down the shop for most of the first half of 2022! Buy your loved ones some WONDERFUL STUFF!

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

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When To Sell Your Losers. Tabs, Thurs., Nov. 18, 2021



COVID's vision and hearing symptoms, so that's great! (Scientific American)

Dahlia Lithwick, essential: In the age of guns, Stand Your Ground, the Rittenhouse trial, and this Supreme Court, self-defense is a flat circle. (Slate) Rittenhouse lawyers want mistrial because "pixels." (AP)

In "honor" of Paul Gosar's House censure, a little censure history. (Plus the note that while the GOP gnashed and wailed that Gosar was stripped of his committee assignments and censured for his hilarious "I will kill AOC" jokes, the Republicans themselves want to strip 13 Republicans of their committee assignments, for voting for the infrastructure bill.) — The Bulwark

Dead-wife voter who wept to the Republican Party and the media about somebody (him) voting for his dead wife (it was he) got probation. — Nevada Independent


The FBI raided the home of disgraced Colorado elections clerk Tina Peters, as well as Lauren Boebert's campaign manager, just because Peters may have leaked election infrastructure all over the internet, so that is McCarthyism and she is V MAD. (KKCO)

Jill Filipovich on the "mother and baby homes" of the Baby Scoop Era. I absolutely think the evangelical women from yesterday's Washington Post tab very earnestly want to Do Good. I also absolutely think once there's money to be made on it, a whole lot of people will not want to Do Good. (Substack)

Why Elon Musk — yes, he's not native-born — will absolutely run for president. — Roy Edroso Breaks It Down

Anoka bans chalk art on sidewalks or streets, I guess the whole city is an HOA. (Star Tribune)

Is inflation real? Do people have a right to be upset about it? What about this possible new Fed chair Lael Brainard? Be a nerd with Noahpinion.

The infrastructure bill, jobs numbers (headed toward the lowest unemployment rate in 50 years?!), inflation, and supply chains. Heather Cox Richardson rounds it up.

Nice time! Anti-gay small-town county commissioner assholes tried to be anti-gay assholes, had their assholes handed to them. (LGBTQ Nation)

Rebecca, Montana's seven-month winter has begun, isn't it time for you to start spending 90 minutes a day comparing beachfront hotels in Tulum? Yes, yes it is. (Zamas)

Rebecca, your husband wants to move from Montana, are you coming sometime soon to look at Ann Arbor and Detroit and buy us beers while you're here? Yes, let's call it "Saturday, Dec. 18, in Detroit in the afternoon" and you tell me where there's somewhere outside, with heaters, and snacks.

Wonkette will be shutting the Bazaar down for the first half of the year, immediately after Christmas! Don't forget to pre-buy all your favorite Wonkette lover's January-June birthday and other gifts now! (Wonkette Bazaar)

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

Buy Rebecca some airline peanuts! Or something else, really, it's up to you.

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