Once upon a time, Lindsey Graham was very good friends with John McCain — best friends! — and Graham looked up to McCain like a hero who was also his grandfather who was also God. And as a result, he tried to be like McCain, voted like him, and so forth. Some have said McCain was Graham's moral compass.
But then McCain died and Lindsey didn't have a hero who was also his grandfather who was also God, so he had to crawl up inside Donald Trump's ass and build a comfy split-level house with granite countertops up in there where he could live forever and be safe.
Likewise, Graham used to be very close friends with Joe Biden, from back when Biden was in the Senate and they were all reaching around the aisle for bipartisan rub 'n' tugs all the time. In 2016, he boohoo-ed about how Biden was as good a man as ever had been born. He cried on camera telling the story of when he called Joe Biden after Beau died.
But then Graham, in an effort to please his new hero grandfather Jesus figure Trump, spent the seasons leading up to the 2020 election going on absurd and offensive witch hunts against Biden and his son Hunter, chasing Ukrainian conspiracy theories he absolutely knew were bullshit. Even after the election, Graham was saying there needed to be a special counsel to investigate Hunter Biden and Ukraine.
It was vile, and it was disgusting, so much so that early in 2020, Jill Biden said in no uncertain terms about Graham that they "used to be great friends," but that he had "changed." She told CNN, "It's hard when you consider somebody a friend and they've said so many negative things. That's been a little hurtful."
Last year, after Biden won the election, he told Stephen Colbert that Graham was a "personal disappointment," after everything Graham had said and done.
Yesterday, Graham went on Fox News and broke up with Joe Biden, which really works better if the person you're dumping didn't dump you a long time ago. And why was Lindsey Graham doing this? Well, he was very emotional about it, but he said he had to break up with Joe Biden because "Afghanistan." Really.
"I've known Joe Biden for a long time," Graham said during an appearance on the Fox News show "America's Newsroom" Wednesday morning. "I had a good personal relationship with him. He's a decent man, but what he did in Afghanistan, I will never forgive him for."
Appearing distraught ...
Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahaha fuck you, Lindsey, you warmongering piece of fuck.
He said other words:
"I can't wait until the next election to stop this socialist train on the domestic side and have a chance to get a commander in chief who knows how to keep this country safe," Graham said. "When it comes to Joe Biden, he's made America less safe, and he's acted in a very dishonorable way."
Yeah, OK. He also called Biden the "most incompetent president in my lifetime on foreign policy," which is a funny thing to hear from a squeaky voice prairie-dogging its head out of Donald Trump's ass.
Look, regardless of how you feel about how precisely things ended in Afghanistan or what's going on there now, it was never going to end well, because America hasn't won a war since your mom was in diapers. Joe Biden decided to rip the Band-Aid off, for better or for worse, because it was at least a decade past time to do that.
But also shut up, we don't owe more than one short paragraph to an analysis of Biden's Afghanistan withdrawal vis a vis Lindsey Graham's opinions about it, because just shut up. That friendship was already over and Lindsey Graham is not breaking up with Joe Biden right now because "Afghanistan," Jesus Christ, shut up.
You see, Graham has already tried to crawl back up Joe Biden's ass, the way he does with any man who has more power than he does. The New York Times reported a couple months back that just after the election, Graham called Biden and tried to apologize for everything, but considering how he was helping Donald Trump's efforts to overthrow the election at the very same time, this just looks to us like a person who needs to be attached to power desperately trying to cover his bases:
In mid-November, as he was publicly urging Mr. Trump to keep up the election fight, Mr. Graham made a previously unreported phone call to President-elect Joseph R. Biden Jr., to revive a friendship damaged by his call for a special prosecutor to investigate the overseas business dealings of Mr. Biden's son Hunter.
It was short, and not especially sweet, according to three people with direct knowledge of the exchange. Mr. Graham told Mr. Biden that, in attacking Hunter, he had done only the bare minimum to satisfy Trump supporters back home. (A Graham spokesman disputed that account.)
Mr. Biden, who viewed Mr. Graham's statement as an unforgivable attack on his family responded by saying he would work with any Republican, but dismissed the approach as Mr. Graham trying to have it both ways, two people close to the president said.
The Times notes that it was just days later that Biden told Colbert how "Lindsey's been a personal disappointment."
So that is the story of what this story is about.
Have we told Lindsey Graham to shut up and go eat a fuck yet? We should do that, just in case we were accidentally being shy again and forgot.
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