Fox News Christmas Tree Attack Was Just Like Pearl Harbor Because Here’s Why

It was an extremely painful and tragic day as we cycled through the five stages of white conservative grief — denial, anger, bargaining, #TooSoon and #LetsGoBrandon — over the unceremonious and fiery felling of the Fox News plastic Christmas Hanukkah Freedom bush nobody had ever heard of until it burned down. But through their tears they vowed to rebuild, about a million times, and through our laughter sympathy, we believed them.

Because get a grip, you melodramatic fucking fucks.

We don't know what else happened on Fox News last night, whether Tucker Carlson spent the entire night humping the trunk of the newly rebuilt tree — we're writing this post before his show comes on, look at that internet magic! — but we know they had a relighting ceremony and all was right with the world. You could tell you were watching the "All-American Tree Lighting," because that's what it said on the chyron at the bottom, which helpfully distinguished it from the Woke Pronoun Mob Tree Lighting that was probably running on all the other channels.

The people came from bridge and tunnel near and far and they stood and watched the ceremony, like they were at a real tree lighting ceremony like they do over at Rockefeller Center. And Judge Boxwine and Steve Doocy and some other white Fox News anchors were on hand to mark the glorious occasion.

What? Did somebody out there say "This attack on Fox News's Hanukkah Freedom Christmas tree was just like Pearl Harbor"? If so, Fox News contributor Rev. Jacques DeGraff agrees with you! Be blessed by his words:

"These colors don't run," DeGraff said about the colors. Colors of the Christmas tree? Colors of the gratuitous American flag display that Fox News backstage guys had to carry outside yesterday to make sure the event felt enough like North Korean state TV? Probably both.

"Eighty years ago this week, they tried to extinguish the darkness at a place called Pearl Harbor. We didn't fold then, and we won't fold now," said DeGraff, about the time they tried to "extinguish the darkness" at Pearl Harbor, when Japan bombed America, killing 2,403 Americans, and brought us into a literal World War. Didn't fold then. Not gonna fold now in the face of Fox News tree go boom but don't worry everybody was OK.

Why would we fold in the face of that? Did someone suggest we were going to fold because Fox News tree go boom but don't worry everybody was OK?

"We've come this far by faith! In our tradition, we say, 'This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine,' " shouted Rev. DeGraff, citing one of the great ancient hymns of Christianity. Somehow he also managed to shoehorn in some bullshit about "God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob" and "reason for the season" and "WE HAVE A FAITH THAT THE FIRE COULD NOT INCINERATE!"

Know what else the fire couldn't incinerate? All the lib tears that are definitely flowing now that Fox News has rebuilt its tree of wonder.

In summary and in conclusion, the end.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter.

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