I’m a bit frayed around the ends, but I thought I would pop in and say hello. Things are just fabulous.

Last night before bed, I went to brush my teeth and wash my face, as I always do. There was a stinkbug on my toothbrush fibers, because it still has not been cold enough to kill off all the damned bugs or reset the stone fruit trees. Took my glasses off to wash my face, got a good lather going, and then rinsed three to four times and every time I looked in the mirror, it still looked like I had soap on my face. I rinsed a couple more times before I realized it was not soap, just my beard is THAT FUCKING WHITE that with my glasses off it looks like soap.

Moving along. Yesterday I went out for milk and bananas and the grocery has smoked salmon in those little packets that normally sell for like 9 bucks marked down to 2.79 a packet, so I did what every 51 going on 95 year old who spiritually lived through the depression and shops like it would do, which is to look around and see if anyone is watching and then throw all of them in my cart. Picked up some bagels in the bakery section, and went to get some cream cheese and discovered they only had flavored cream cheese in those little tubs. No regular philadelphia or store brand in sight. Whatever, I grabbed one of the flavored ones and decided I would just soldier on.

Got home, and curious why there was no cheese, I googled cream cheese and lo and behold it appears there is a national cream cheese shortage:

Zabar’s is running low. Tompkins Square Bagels is down to sticks. Pick-a-Bagel has only a few days’ supply left.

All over New York City, bagel makers say, a schmear shortage is threatening one of the most treasured local delicacies: a fresh bagel with cream cheese.

“This is bad. This is very bad,” said Pedro Aguilar, a manager at the Pick-a-Bagel chain, which has several Manhattan locations. On Friday afternoon, Mr. Aguilar said he had only enough cream cheese to last until Monday.

Nick Patta, who has worked at Absolute Bagels on the Upper West Side for 11 years, said his usual supplier in Queens had run out of the shop’s go-to cream cheese brand for the first time that he could remember.

“We went this week and the shelves were empty,” he said.

Supply chain issues have plagued the United States for months, causing scarcities of everything from cars to running shoes. In Alaska, residents are struggling to acquire winter coats.

Now, New York’s bagel purveyors are starting to feel the effects in a sudden and surprising development that has left them scrambling to find and hoard as much cream cheese as they can.

Scott Goldshine, the general manager at Zabar’s, estimated on Friday that he had enough to last 10 days.

This apparently caused hell for the holiday cheesecake makers, and CNN pins it on a cyber attack. I’m starting to think putting the production and distribution of everything in the hands of just a few companies so a handful of people can get super rich might be a bad idea. So that’s that.

Went to make my bagel this morning with subpar flavored cream cheese, and discovered that I could not find my jar of capers. And we are not talking about one of those dainty little tings the circumference of your thumb. We’re talking about one of those 16oz massive jars of capers you get at your italian deli. Gone. And it is not near the mustard and I immediately regret telling you this because as I wrote this I realized I will be hearing about the Caper caper of 2022 for the rest of my life.

In other local news, Jim Justice, who on a good day is a very NOT HEALTHY person, has tested positive for Covid and apparently feels like hammered shit:

West Virginia Gov. Jim Justice (R) announced late Tuesday that he is “extremely unwell” after testing positive for the coronavirus, forcing him to postpone his State of the State address.

Justice, who is vaccinated and boosted, said in a news release that although he was “surprised” he tested positive, he was “thankful to the Lord above that I’ve been vaccinated, I’ve been boosted, and that I have an incredible support system, especially my loving family.”

“That being said, I feel extremely unwell at this point, and I have no choice but to postpone my State of the State address to the Legislature,” he said. He added that his wife, first lady Cathy Justice, tested negative.

The governor is experiencing moderate symptoms, such as congestion, coughing, a headache and a fever, and is isolating at home, his office said. The 65-year-old is being given a monoclonal antibody treatment prescribed by his physicians.

He had to cancel the State of the State address, which, if you have ever had to listen to him speak, is a blessing, but the body politic is being threatened with a makeup address at a later date, so it appears no reprieve, just a delay. These events did not, however, deter the WV Republicans from rushing through a billion dollars of tax cuts to “create”… 200 jobs.

So that is the news here on the Cole homefront. Happy Tuesday.

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