Michael Flynn Knows Who Is Just Like Jesus, And It Is The Capitol Rioters

Saturday morning, GOP Pennsylvania state senator and former Army Colonel Doug Mastriano — best known for trying to do an Arizona-style election audit in Pennsylvania, and for taking selfies with people on January 6 — announced his intention to run for governor of Pennsylvania.

Mastriano, who is decidedly not Jewish, announced his plan to run while wearing a tallit (a Jewish prayer shawl) and blowing a shofar, which has apparently become a popular thing at Christian rightwing events for reasons I don't think any of us can even begin to comprehend.

It was an odd choice, given Mastriano's tendency towards Christian nationalism and his once-heavy promotion of QAnon on his Twitter feed, given how reliant QAnon is on old anti-Semitic conspiracy theories.

This is what they think Trump looks like.

A longtime acolyte of Donald Trump, Mastriano also used the occasion to debut his special nickname for his likely opponent, current Pennsylvania Attorney General Josh Shapiro, who, coincidentally, is an actual Jewish person. "I call him LJ, Little Josh," Mastriano said, apparently finding it difficult to come up with his own burn.

Mastriano also dragged his fellow Republicans running against him in the upcoming primary as "establishment Republicans," a term frequently used to describe Republicans who believe the same shit he does but are less tacky about it.

"They’re pissing their pants right now. Sorry, not sorry," he said to a roomful of supporters at the Eisenhower Hotel, where Trump campaigned and delivered his 100-day plan in 2016. "This is what’s going to happen in the next few months: They're going to unleash a series of lies."

He did not say what those lies would be. Given that Mastriano has promoted the belief that the 2020 election was stolen from Donald Trump and engaged in the spread of COVID conspiracy theories, it's hard to say that any lie anyone could tell about him would be a game-changer.

Standing by his side at this momentous event was QAnon heartthrob Michael Flynn, also introduced with a shofar. Flynn gave a long speech about religion being good and Doug Mastriano being good and socialism being bad, which he capped off by calling Jesus a terrorist. (He thought he was making a "gotcha" point.)


"Biblically speaking, at the age of 13,* Jesus Christ went into the temple and he ransacked it. They would call him a domestic terrorist today," Flynn explained, which we can probably assume was a reference to those who invaded the Capitol building on January 6 of last year and not anyone else who goes about ransacking buildings. The part where Jesus smeared his feces all over the walls was apparently left out of both the Bible and Jesus Christ Superstar.

While it's unlikely anyone would call pubescent Jesus a domestic terrorist, we can be sure that if a pubescent Jesus were to do any temple ransacking these days, Republicans would be the ones who'd want to see him tried as an adult.

*When he was THIRTEEN? No, Michael Flynn.

[York Daily Record]

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to tip us!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)